1414 Hours

*the continued tale*

anyway, i'm sorta a little less pissed
well i suppose since he's not here at home to taunt me
hours go by...
i don't fear
and yet i do
fuck this!
i think my mom realizes the tension
good!
she might help and fix this
i'm not saying i can't solve my own problems
but this is beyond my workings
urgh!
i'm trying to stay out of his way
at least for awhile...
probably when i need money
hahahaha
merde!!!!!!
double poo!
i HATE being stepped on!

i guess life's a bitch until you die...

1113 Hours

HE says i'm a fucking dramaqueen...
maybe i am
doesn't HE ever thought to realize that i may be more sensitive that he is?????
i guess not
since HE thinks he's always right...
which he's NOT
HE steps on people like a bloody dictator!
i had a dream last night, since i crashed at 9 ish...
that i fought with him
i felt so pissed in my dream that i couldn't breathe..
i was sweating and tensed in bed
felt like shit
and got up pissed off and annoyed
especially since i couldn't find my ac remote
bloody fucking irritating!!!

*to be continued*

1043 Hours

what is up with normal people these days?
are people breathing in fucked up air or what?
my dad is being mean to me at home.... for whatever reason i may not know unless i leave.
and the whole unity of mankind is breaking.
what hopes have we got for the future when we are finally all grown up?
questions questions... with no answers.
why the fuck can't we all just live together in peace. this fucking earth doesn't only belong to the white men... it belongs to EVERYONE...so why do they make all the rules that we gotta obey?
i'm not being a fucking racist because i sure am not one. but this whole prejudice against some part of humanity is just so fucked up!!!
like seriously screwed!
it all triggered when the whole religeous dilemma with the dissing of other people's religion?
good grief!
this isn't the middle ages where a long long time ago prophets and messangers of God fought to spread their religion and stuff like that... this is an act of ignorance!!!!!
if GOD would seperate those who are ignorant in this world, there would not be anyone on this earth...
FUCK it! why don't you bloody people just leave your personal issues aside and don't fucking interfere with anything sensitive... including religion. you don't see us potraying YOUR god... so why must you????

1318 Hours

i'm finally continuing my fiction. sounds good so far.... must write more....

0013 Hours

i can't tell you
what i think
you might have said
it's my little
secret
that i've kept
away from you

i listen to songs
which makes me
revive
that almost
dead memory
you kept away
from me

the smile
lingers on my lips
for only
a few seconds
before i sink in
and drown
in my own
salty tears

2048 Hours

I spent almost the whole day in the comfort of my own bedroom. With the laptop by my bed and awesome tunes on my playlist I couldn't ask for more. Well perhaps for a great company. At least some one I could talk to. Me being sore made my movements limited. I miss playing with my cats... sad but true. So i had to stay in and try to get some rest. My laptop is doing over time as I'm typing. So here's a list of the stuff I managed to do:

1. I downloaded about 50 songs from artists that I had never heard from.
2. I finally saw how my stitches looked like
3. I tried eating a rose petal
4. I ate half of a large pizza (no joke!)
5. I laughed while watching FRIENDS even though my tummy hurts really bad.
6. I still couldn't swollow any pills
7. I tried dancing while listening to Madonna.
8. I slept in a very uncomfortable position

well that's all... quite literally...

sigh

0014 Hours

As you can tell i'm home already. Not feeling as sore as I thought i would be. but it still stings. ouchies! i guess they were right after all. I will be put to sleep and won't even remember. goothing though. I would hate looking at my own cut up body reflection on the shiny lights. My aunts came over which was really nice coz we all ended up laughing and laughing about our experiences with hospitals and such. oh my fibroid looks like 2 lychees in pinkish syrup. haha. gross but true! of course now it's gonna be an inside joke about how 2 lychees managed to find their way into my right boob! hilariouso! steffi can't stop calling "Boobie" although it does sound cute. hahahaahaha... sounds like i had freaking implants. good grief! anyway mel and nik came over to visit just as I was waiting for the billings and insurance people to take care of the expences. It was nice to finally talk to someone after being sedated for god knows how long. hmmm... I'm still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. Since it still hurts and i gotta take a few white pale pills. I'll try not to throw them away this time. I said I will try. Progress seems good. Now all i need is some people to hang out with and I would once again go shopping!! hahahaha... Put the stress and depression aside i'm now fairly normal... a slight scar won't stop me from wearing bikinis. thank god! coz i desperately need a tan!
i'll be catching up on sleep soon... ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz

0654 Hours

ho hum pigs bum! today is the so called big day... *remaining positive until it's all over* hmmm... i dunno how my preparations are yet coz i seem to be fine. I woke up groggyly just a few moments tadi, took a hot shower and wore the outfit i picked out last night. hahaha... yes, typical ol' me to pick out my clothes for tomorrow. Tee Hee! FYI I'm wearing a pink Polo t-shirt (very preppy) and my yoga pants (very comfy). I admit the whole yoga pants wearing has got to do with the fact that I've watch too many MTV I want A Famous Face. Those ppl after suffering from excruciating pain could still look good in a freaking jumpsuit so why can't I. Although I lost my cardigan. So the pants will do for now. I don't really know what I'm saying and why right now. Just keeping my mind of things. Keeping and open mind and trying to stay hyper and positive like I'm always doing. another good thing about later is that I WILL GET HIGH! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha! uhuh. i better savour the moment of my momentary highness (in more ways than one!). Anywho since I don't think I'm bringing this laptop, i'll just give this entry some rest and will continue in a little while.

*fingers crossing*

2201 Hours

i guess this is what a serious case of nervy b. feels like. exactly 12 hours left and i'm wondering will i get through this without any complications. i admit i rarely talk to god. a serious sin i know. but in ths case i feel bad for asking any favours since i don't practice what i should have been lately. my fear is that it's god's time for pay back and He might take it out on me this perticular time. people always say that we humans usually only start believing in god at the time of need. well it's true and now there's nothing i could do about it. i can't pray. i can't even recite the holy quran. i'm still considered unholy (since when was i holy?). is this a way of telling me that there's nothing i could do and that i should just leave it to god's will?? i don't even know what to think anymore but to just get through this as quickly as possible without me having to swollow gigantic pills and feeling much pain. that's all i'm asking for. just minimal pain and probably no pill intake?? impossible but i fear those huge pills that would linger on my tongue as long as the layer of gelatin permits. i hate pills. a phobia i bet. this is getting scarier by the second. i should be sleeping now but who the hell can at a time like this?????????
for now i should just wait. see what happens tmw. sigh. =(

*my fingers are still crossing!*

1208 Hours

went out yesterday. and things couldn't have gotten depressing when i stayed at klcc for 11 freaking hours. well, i kept changing my company that day. so i guess it wasn't that bad. the night ended well with me being completely tired and almost out of my mind. Crashed at 12 and got up to find i'm still depressed and tired. no surprise there since i do have a valid reason to feel this way. i got tahlil today. suppose to be leaving in 30 minutes. so i figured why not i write to kill the time. I don't think i'll have the time to write tomorrow's entry coz I might still be sore. anyway, there's nothing much to say although i'm sure if i do have the spirit to think up something i would come up with something a little bit better than this pathetic entry.

if something was wrong
don't tell me
only tell me if nothing is working right...

*fingers crossed*

0223 Hours

i'm sleepy. very sleepy. and with nobody to listen to me crap about my sadistic life since it's bloody 2 in the morning, i might as well crap all i want here. well, what can i say. life is too interesting that it got much more interesting this couple of days. with the exception of my fibroid and a lame ass valentine. poobah!
it makes more sense when i am the major cause for my own confusing state of living. since many people say that we are in control of our very own life whether we like it or not. someone may influence you into doing something and they can never make you do something you rather not commit. it's your very own will that makes you react the way you are right this second. it's yours and my choice. it has always been that way even if we never took a moment to realize this totally bogus and unfair fact. so what's my point in telling this well...
sometimes i'm blinded by denial and probably the possibility of withdrawal. but i probably would think it's the first choice. not so long ago, a really great confidante pointed out a theory that i found myself laughing for a whole minute before realizing that she might have spoken the truth i've been keeping silent for awhile. so i brushed away the throught in my head and focused on something quite imaginary. an act of a child has made me deny. deny. deny.
so now what happens?
so here i am. helping people out when i can't even help myself. why must i be so kind? why can't i be selfish just that moment to speak the unspoken truth. must i be the one to watch myself suffer while watching those around me laugh with joy and maybe cry with sorrow while i help them wipe away their tears and only that? i guess it's only right for a friend to do that. which is why i feel as though i'm not a very good friend by asking for more than that.
i am the one who would lend you a shoulder to cry on, would pass you a tissue when your tears are falling, giving you sincere advice to help you move on, i would even do the dirty work for you just so you won't get hurt... you know i would.

but now... i'm still a little confused. just a bit. not more than that. perhaps i'm just so tired. tired. tired. for those who has been with me through thick and thin you know that you could never wear me out! ;)

2323 Hours

i can feel a sudden change coming upon me. oh my god! this is so hard and very confusing. i'm confused. pening pening pening. what to do? firstly it's the whole shindang on monday. then there's the whole weird emo thing i'm suddenly facing. can the timing get any better? i guess not. god is testing me. i can tell. so what am i to do now? haiya... ini banyak susah lor! yes? or no? hmmmmm...

1408 Hours

a small place that keeps us apart
a tiny hollow entity
filled with air
to keep us afloat
while you breathe in air
i suffocate in poison
that hurts my heart
as well as my soul
the grip of your hand
leaves markings on my wrist
i tried
i pried your fingers
till mine bleed
where do you stand?
if not beside me
where are you?
if not protecting me
where can you be?
i wrote a million
poems just for you
a million and one still
would never be enough
to bring you back
from being you
i wait
for your soul
to drift away
away from my space
away from your own
to that i can have you
once again
in whole
as a person
i once loved.

1251 Hours

hay ho! oh happy days! it's kinda freaky when a catfight happens. but swear it didn't. well, i pissed off a group of girls today simply for potraying a really typical malaysian act of lepak-ing. hahahaha... yes. stupid school girls lepaking in front of my house by the freaking drain. sitting with ugly boys. shouting for no apparent reason and watching suicidal kids with dumbass motocycle stunts which by the way would NEVER compare with what you watch on those hollywood movies. rather pathetic actually for a way to die. oh evil me! now it's combat time just in case this oooo's decide to throw a revenged baby tantrum towards me. I gotta be prepared! raaah! watching love actually now. superly hilariously british kinda funny! hmmm... perhaps i should live in britain for a bit. get on with my english side. a plan maybe... anyway this shall be continued later... gotta watch veronica mars!!!

1929 Hours

so deep the cut
that makes me cry
i lie asleep
in your arms
but what makes this
another chance
when all i thought
it all was gone?
what if this was
only a plot
to make me see
what i got
not just between
you and me
but also
what you got
to give?
so god help me
live through this
and make the one
happy to cry
not to see me go
but to see me
reach where
i always wanted
to be
that is with
HIM..
the one and only

1127 Hours

mind you it's not night time yet again. it's the consistancy of writing in thenightcat rather than my other non active blogs that makes me turn to this one just to write daily thoughts. perhaps i would have to tukar the discription of the blog later. but right now feeling kinda malas. so bare with me while i post morning postings in a night blog.

time just seems to be zooming by lately which draws reality closer and closer. nothing is as simple as this. with the thoughts of results, college and perhaps the surgery i would just have to face the music soon. last friday was a hectic one. here's why...

I left home at 9. my mom took a so-called day off to take me to the clinic for the check up after i felt something was wrong at 1 AM that day. i must admit i took it a little too lightly. i was talking SO much that my brain kept telling me to shut the hell up before the nurse would give me drugs to refrain me. hahaha... so took my blood test (finally!) and went for the scan. little did i know i needed surgery to remove the growth. bummmer! the other mafan-ish thing was that the nurse gave me this pill. mind you it's tiny lethal yellow pill that made me piss 5 times in less than 2 hours! felt like shit at home.

with cold sweats, i began to pack for my sleepover at the zayn's. then my dad said i should go to the other clinic for a second opinion or a recheck up. told stef i'll be late for movie. when i told her i was at the clinic for 'something', she made a joke about breast cancer. i can't help but feeling like i was about to cry. but didn't mention anything yet.

blah blah blah. i needed to go to a specialist at Pantai for this. i'm shit scared and at times can't stop thinking bout it. i had never gone under the knife before. never thought it would be for this. i felt bad when the first thing i thought was whether i would have to remove my tongue ring for the surgery and was imagining my mom finally bought me a black ipod video. HAHAHAHAHAHA.... so much for worrying!

anyway, i'll try to keep this posted. fingers crossed xx

2323 hours

sitting in the dark
in this huge room
on my bed
dreaming

silence pokes
my thin skin
even if
i bury myself

why don't you
just pick up
the stupid phone
and dial my number

i know you
are also
sitting on your
four poster bed
waiting
for that phone
to ring

it is so easy
yet complicated
all i had to do
was push
a plastic button
to finally feel
connected
to you

how silly
for a single plastic button
that stands in our way
why don't you
push it
why can't i?

i close my tired eyes
and count
from one to ten

one...
i wish you felt the same

two...
you are always in my head

three...
i miss you

four...
you are not here

five...
i need you now

six...
i think i'm crying

seven...
where are you now

eight...
it looks like it was
only a stupid game

nine...
i hate you

ten...
"hey, you awake?"

1532 hours

i know it's not the night yet. i'm maybe cheating since i did specify that this blog was just for my bedtime blues. but i guess this considers as a Tired-Tired-Tired-Can't-Sleep moment. Yes, i'm tired. I have always been tired. Having restless nights which I toss and turn till my body aches every morning for sleeping in awkward positions. Sigh. I must be really pathetic and drowsy right now for me write this. Which is true since I got nothing better to do that be desperate housewive. haha... minus the screaming kid, a long-gone husband and the lustful plumber cum mysterious dude... hahaha.. I cannot sleep now. My state of depression have finally kicked in as the realization of my non existant fresh out of school feeling came upon me. Here I am, jobless, friendless, lonely and still I'm tired. My phone is acting silent again. Excluding the calls of wrong numbers and promotional text messages. I'm a pathetic failure of technology. When people do call me i'm either a zombie out of bed or just super busy with chores and such. The work I don't mind but the constanty of it that I hate. Will this be a permanent thing for me? Staying at home before having any fun at all. All this torture of being at home by myself with nobody to talk to but a lazy mother cat and 3 annoying kittens in the kitchen. I feel unhealthy. I admit I haven't been eating well. Junk trash for lunch, leftovers for dinner. Forget breakfast. I need a break form the laptop which seems to be my only true best friend who is always there at ANYTIME of the day. I have friends. Great ones but lucky for them they got college. I guess it was a bad idea to start in March. If i would have started in January non of this empty tears would have started. I'm in an awkward position where I gotta choose between college and home. And right now college doesn't sound too bad. I just want people to understand that I cannot do this any longer. I just can't and I'm sorry. Being grounded for other people's mistakes is just so unfair! I can't always cry.

2111 hours

aren't we suppose to be living together in this world peacefully? isn't that what years of unwanted wars and bloodshed has brought us to the goal of finally living happily ever after? so why are the violence starting again? does more blood means more power?
what are these people trying to prove? that most of us are too weak and defenceless to protect our soul and so we deserve to be stepped on again and again just because we are brown and not white, poor and not rich, more cultural and not wild and also believe in god and not just a preaching evil-doer??? since when were the good people are now targets evil??? i dare say a long time ago.
the persisting cries of help have been ringing in many people's ears. throughout the world we see people pleading for help in order to achive the help needed. they wash away their pride just to be saved. just to be heard. but when a tingling news or a rumour of a nuclear lab in the middle of a desert reaches out to the right people, billions of dollars are spent in search of the so-called myth. Now why isn't the money used to kill be used to save those are alive? why use every resource to fight a prevention? with everyone helping each other out, we wouldn't have this stupid fucked up wars Bush seems to plan. Nor will we get people discriminating each others race and religion in order to prove their faith is the best.

Is this what are future generation will become? A generation filled with prejudice and hate against the different kind. Destroying everything our great heros built and died for... Now think. and do something about this. because if the adults won't do it, it's our responsibility to do so. otherwise we would live in a world filled with terror and just might end up dead fighting for a stupid cause. So fight human ignorance!

0009 hours

nothing's gonna change my world. it's too late to say that now. because nothing can be undone.

2233 hours

am i just built this way? i'm not immune to this sort of shit... sigh.

2118 hours

If We Kissed - Fiona Apple

Electricity, eye to eye.
Hey do I know you. I can't speak.
Strip my senses on the spot
I've never been defenseless
I cant even make sense of this
You speak I don't hear a word.
What would happen if we kissed?
Would your tongue slip pass my lips?
Would you run away?
Would you stay?
Or would I melt into you?
Mouth to mouth
Lust to lust
Spontaneously combust.
The room is spinning out of control.
You act like you didn't notice, brushed my hand
Forbidden fruit, ring on my finger,
You're such a moral mortal man
Would you throw it away? No question
Will I pretend I'm innocent?
I struggle with myself again
Quickly the wall, I'm crumbling
Don't know if I can turn away.

2322 hours

I'm now always in my room. Writing and writing in my small four walls. Listening Fiona Apple. Her words sound so true in my head. Anything to help my nightime disease.

It's all about the cracking hearts...

close the door
but i want you in
picking up the ashes
from the ocean
the ashes of the once me
i burned
my fingers crumbled
as i tried to grasp the softness
of your own hands
only dust are left
covers your new suit
cursing under your breath
as you swept my finger marks
away on the left sleeve
of that grey taylor-made coat
i knew you would like the colour
ash grey was what
the man at the store
called his cloth
Ash Grey for a magnificant man.
i laughed
and maybe i blushed too
under all that powder
you were a magnificant man.
so i thought
but now
look at you
standing on the pier
with an empty soul
watching the wind
to take me away
but why
didn't you try to stop
the wind from
taking me away from you?

2243 hours

i think i'm having another one of my episodes again. the unknown cause type of episodes. where even i could not come up with a good enough reason. i feel like crying again. i think i am. weeping slowly on the inside. perhaps doing this night journal thing might help. i hate crying. it makes me look like a fucking blowfish. i don't want my mom to see me crying alone at night because i think it might just break her heart. i just don't know what to do anymore. it's happening again. the hollowness of unwantedness. haha... sounds assholic. i wished i had the people i could talk to back again. or perhaps that's why i'm crying. i feel missing. i am now nobody without them and i'm turning into a big huge mess. i'm sorry

2217 hours

It's the stagnant feeling I hate
it lingers too often these days
creeping up through the hard moment
a moment i need to fly by
i hear the persistant wails
of my sorrow heart
i cannot defeat
the voices is just too loud
yet to high to grasp
this i cannot take any longer
i am no eager person
who is looking forward
for another drawing end
my patience is seeping through
all that time
i've wasted telling selfish tales
about my wasted thoughts
i think only a few things
are left
that's keeping me alive
that makes me smile
in the morning
or when the wind
dances through my silky hair
i waited
does fairy tales come true?
the pieces are set
for the next move
toward finding out
if I could finally defeat the great one
only him and I
alone again
with no sins to ponder
with no sense of jealousy
i pray
for it to end...

2230 hours

tra la la la la la ... third entry..

why does things have to be so complicated once it's pointed out? Isn't it suppose to be easier. But I guess I'm the one that's complicating matters. Damn! What to do? Cannot help it. It's my nature to think too hard till I screw up my brains. My bad... It's not that hard but now I just find it hard to stand up again. Die lah! sorry i lied. coz it's so funny though. Suddenly only! HAHAHAHAHAHA... okay, this is an informal entry... very rojak language. Don't feel like being all english... still can't sleep but my body is shutting down... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

just press that button. you know lah!

2116 hours

i think you are blind. or you chose not to see.

1955 hours

here i am with another blog to fill in the empty void that has been making me go all haywire. the first pathetic entry that would finally help me fall asleep at the right time again. i'm beat. with nothing much to say, i ran out of options of things to do. reading used to be my saviour. my only rock that's keeping me from being like those other people who rather cuts themselves when things get bad. with my dysfunctionalities, i am always stuck. stuck to the extent of no return. what the fuck is wrong? hell, if i knew the answer i won't be doing this. typing away... i'm wasted. are my calculations of my future wrong? what mistakes have i done to deserve the cruel torture of facing all this shit on my own. hard enough nobody sticks around much. with limited solutions to help, i am trapped with words of wisdoms by those who actually cares enough to listen. i think i must have miscalculated. i am not even capable to control my life's basic outcome. am i screwed for the rest of my life??

xoxo

it takes time
to piece things together
but what if
it's not meant
to be fixed
perhaps it's better off
broken
a piece of glass
but then
i bleed whenever i trace
my fingers on the edges
this i prefer
i would touch
every surface
every edge of what had been
to relive
that moment
once again
without you
but with the pieces
that was once
whole.